Published: 3/25/2025

First, Let’s Nerd Out on How Incredible the Brain Is!

Many people don’t realize that the brain is made up of different parts, each with its own unique functions.

• The left side of your brain helps you think logically and form sentences.
• The right side is more focused on emotions and reading body language.
• The “reptile brain” reacts quickly to danger.
• The “mammal brain” is wired for relationships and connections.
• Some areas manage memory, while others help with moral decision-making.

It’s as if our brains have different personalities—some rational, some reactive, some reflective, and some emotional. This variety is why we respond differently depending on the situation.

The key to thriving is integration—helping these different parts work together. Just like our organs work in harmony to keep our bodies healthy, an integrated brain allows us to function at our best.

When children lose integration, they become overwhelmed by emotions, confused, and chaotic. They can’t respond calmly or thoughtfully to what’s happening around them.

Tantrums, meltdowns, and aggression—many of the most challenging parenting moments—are actually signs of disintegration in the brain.

To support healthy brain function, we want to help children integrate their:

• Left and Right Brain – So that logic (left) and emotions (right) work together.
• Upstairs and Downstairs Brain – So that thoughtful decision-making (upstairs) is connected with emotional and instinctual responses (downstairs).

Here’s a simple breakdown of these key brain areas:

1. Upstairs Brain (Prefrontal Cortex) – Logic, problem-solving, self-regulation.
2. Downstairs Brain (Limbic System & Brainstem) – Emotions, survival responses.
3. Left Brain – Logic, language, structure.
4. Right Brain – Emotion, creativity, connection.

💛 Understanding Upstairs vs. Downstairs Brain Tantrums

Dr. Daniel Siegel’s research on child brain development helps us understand why children have tantrums and how to respond effectively.

✨Downstairs Brain Tantrum (Emotional Meltdown)

The downstairs brain (limbic system & brainstem) is in charge of survival instincts, emotions, and impulses. When a child has a downstairs tantrum, their brain is overwhelmed with big emotions like fear, anger, or frustration. They cannot think logically or control their reactions.

✨Signs of a Downstairs Tantrum:
✔ Screaming, crying, hitting, or throwing things
✔ Complete emotional overwhelm
✔ No ability to reason or calm down independently

✨How to Respond:

• Stay calm – Your calm presence helps regulate them.
• Provide comfort & connection – Offer a hug or use a soothing voice.
• Validate their feelings – “I see that you’re really upset right now.”
• Give them time to cool down – Don’t try to reason with them in the moment.
• Use co-regulation – Help them breathe deeply or offer a sensory tool (like a soft blanket).

✨Upstairs Brain Tantrum (Testing Limits or Manipulative Behavior)

The upstairs brain (prefrontal cortex) is responsible for reasoning, problem-solving, and self-control. When a child has an upstairs tantrum, they are still able to think and make choices, but they may be testing boundaries, negotiating, or trying to get what they want.

✨Signs of an Upstairs Tantrum:
✔ Crying but still watching your reaction
✔ Suddenly stopping when they get what they want
✔ Arguing, whining, or bargaining
✔ Dramatic but somewhat controlled behavior

✨How to Respond:

• Set firm, clear boundaries – “I understand you want that, but my answer is no.”
• Stay empathetic and consistent – “It is hard to hear *no*, I understand you're disappointed. “ If you give in, they learn that tantrums work.
• Ignore the drama – Don’t engage in excessive negotiations.
• Offer choices – Give them a sense of control: “Would you like to walk or skip to the car?”
• Teach problem-solving later – Once calm, help them express their needs in a better way.

✨Key Takeaways:

⭐ Downstairs tantrums need soothing and connection before correction.
⭐ Upstairs tantrums need firm boundaries and consistency without giving in.
⭐ Both require patience, modeling emotional regulation, and teaching coping skills after the tantrum has passed.

✨The Power of Brain Integration

Recent advances in brain-scanning technology show that our brains are plastic—meaning they can change and grow over time, not just in childhood but throughout our lives.

This is exciting because raising children gives us endless opportunities to integrate our own brains too!

When done right, parenting helps us grow into the adults we aspire to be.

For more insights, I highly recommend “The Whole-Brain Child” by Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Bryson.

With love,
Lelia Schott