Published: 1/8/2025

Dear friends,

I want to share some thoughts on the habit of survival appeasement, often referred to as fawning, feigning, or people-pleasing. This behavior typically arises from our desire to secure attachment, avoid conflict, and shape how others perceive us.

We all experience this impulse to fit in and avoid drama to varying extents. However, for those of us who grew up in environments where appeasing our caregivers—parents, grandparents, teachers, siblings, or friends—was necessary to feel safe or accepted, this drive may be powerful.

Parent-pleasing: As children, we felt responsible for our parents' happiness, avoiding conflict to earn their love and feel safer.

People-pleasing: As adults, we continue trying to please others out of fear of rejection and a desire for acceptance.

Parenting-pleasing: As parents, we experience extreme anxiety when our kids are not happy. We go against our values and better judgment to fix their upset and problems.

It's important for us as parents to allow our children to experience their frustration or disappointment when we can't always give them what they want or if they have experienced something that has upset them. Children need to build a level of frustration tolerance to bounce back from life’s disappointments. We can support them by listening and validating their experience rather than fixing their problems.

We disrupt the people-pleasing cycle by demonstrating to our children that we respect and care for them unconditionally. It’s important for them to understand that it is acceptable to feel disappointed or upset with us when we make choices that align with our values or responsibilities.

Through this approach, they learn that they remain deserving of respect and care, even when others are disappointed by their decisions.

We may notice we habitually:

1. Roll with it -> over-accommodate (hypo-appease)

- Positive: We’re seen as easy-going and fun. We willingly partake in everything.

- Negative: We may lose our sense of self, always prioritizing others over our needs.

2. Take it all on -> over-commit (hyper-appease)

- Positive: We take charge of ensuring we’re included and appreciated.

- Negative: This leads to exhaustion, undervaluing ourselves, and being overwhelmed by responsibilities.

It's completely normal to feel a bit unsettled when we start to notice these survival habits. Let’s take a moment to be kind to ourselves as we understand these inner workings. Remember, it’s all part of the natural cycle of maturing and healing.

How to begin and continue healing...

Start by noticing when you become overly accommodating, saying, "I’ll have what you're having." or if you're in a state of overcommitment, thinking, "I will make all the arrangements!"

Even if you find it challenging to stop yourself in the moment, acknowledging that your nervous system is signaling a survival response is a powerful first step towards lasting habit change.

By increasing your awareness and interrupting your automatic responses, you begin the important process of rewiring your brain.

It is also essential to extend compassion to yourself throughout this journey. The neural habit of Fawning/ Appeasing was developed innocently, born from a perceived need; indeed, we often had to enter Survival Mode to navigate our experiences.

Take the time to slow down and reflect on whether you agree to do something because it resonates with a value you have (e.g., kindness, health, responsibility, etc.) or if you are doing it out of a drive to avoid conflict or secure the approval of others.

♡ Remember to be gentle with yourself as you navigate these changes. ♡

With love,

Lelia

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