Published: 3/12/2025

Managing Reactivity

When our children experience intense emotions, it’s important to recognize that they aren’t being “bad” or naughty; they’re actually feeling badly or overwhelmed and haven’t yet developed the skills to manage their impulses, calm their amygdala, express their needs effectively, or consider the consequences of their actions.

Understanding that our brains don’t fully mature until our mid-20s can shed light on why children behave the way they do. This awareness allows us to approach parenting differently during challenging moments, focusing more on guiding our kids rather than punishing them.

In the heat of a meltdown, if we yell or threaten consequences, the child interprets this as a threat, and their amygdala goes into overdrive, taking control of the situation. Cue the battle of the wills! 🫣😀

The most common question during parent consults is, “How can I calm myself and my child down?”

Dr. Bruce Perry, a child psychiatrist and neuroscientist, presents a practical approach to connecting with children, especially during challenging moments. As a neuro-emotional practitioner, I add further insights to enhance this understanding.

The “Three Rs” are regulate, Relate, and Reason. This approach encourages us to:

1) create a sense of safety for ourselves and the child

2) connect emotionally, and

3) discuss what happened and how to improve next time.

1  Regulate the Survival Brain

-Downstairs Brain

🫂body to body coregulation

When emotions run high, it's important for parents to take a moment to breathe and connect with their own feelings. Engaging in self-compassion and differentiating their emotions from their children's is helpful. Remember that these challenging daily moments are a natural part of emotional development.

Sensitive children may react instinctively to their parents' emotional energy, either trying to alleviate the situation (freeze appease response) or exacerbating it. (fight-flight stress response) ♡Parents can use a gentle tone, warm facial expressions, and open body language to ease tensions. Lowering oneself to a child's eye level can also help, and if necessary, guiding them to a quiet space for regrouping can reinforce their sense of security and support.

2 Relate Through the Emotional Brain -Limbic System 

💗 Heart-to-heart connection

In this step, it's necessary to demonstrate genuine empathy and let them know you understand their feelings. We acknowledge emotions without dismissing them or making them feel bad about their feelings.

♡However, recognizing their feelings doesn't mean we overlook any challenging behavior. Kids still need clear boundaries to ensure their safety. Dr. Daniel Siegel says, “Say yes to the feelings, even as you say no to the behavior.” We aim to help children understand they can experience complex emotions without acting on them.

3  Reason via the Executive Brain - Upper Brain

💡head-to-head collaboration

Once your child feels more connected and isn’t overwhelmed, it’s the perfect time to chat about what happened and brainstorm alternative behaviors and strategies for when they feel upset again. Steer clear of shame and remind them that you love them and that everybody has to learn how to handle stress responses to emotions. It’s all about helping them build a handy toolbox for handling their feelings healthily! Remember, cooling off after strong emotions can take a little time.

For example, “Hey, kiddo, earlier when you asked for ____ and I said not today. I could feel your disappointment and frustration when you shouted, ‘I hate you!’ I think you hate how you felt at that moment. I've been there too! Let’s take a moment to chat about what happened. I want to hear your feelings about those ‘no’ moments and explore different ways to express how that makes you feel. Together, we can find a better way to share those frustrations.”

Three Simple Strategies for Reasoning:

1 Modeling:

Show your kids how you deal with your own emotions. When you experience feelings like worry or frustration, talk openly about it. For example, you might say, “I’m worried this traffic is making us late. I’ll take some deep breaths to help me stay calm.” If you react in a way you didn’t intend (like raising your voice), take a moment to apologize and explain how you could have handled it better.

2 Teach the Language of Emotions: Help your kids understand their feelings. Let them know it's perfectly normal to experience a range of emotions, even the tough ones. Explain that feelings come and go, and everyone goes through them. You can even point out emotions in real-life situations or stories, asking questions like, “He looks angry; why do you think that is?” or “How do you think she feels right now?”

3 Review and Reflect: After things have calmed down, take some time to reflect on what just happened together. Tough moments are a great opportunity to lovingly help your child understand their emotions and the situation without being preachy. Talk about the experience briefly, focusing on their overwhelmed feelings rather than what they did wrong.

By embracing these simple and caring steps, we can create a warm and supportive space that helps both kids and adults understand and handle emotions more effectively. 🫶🏽