Published: 1/21/2025

In Dr Shefali’s latest book, “The Parent Map” she speaks about the 5 Parenting Masks

Dr Shefali points out that many people don’t like the term “ego mask” because they think it’s a bad thing when in fact it is a very human adaptation.

We wear our masks whenever we feel afraid or insecure. Because we are not in touch with the fears of our inner child, we can only observe the outward reactions.

Did you know that you use your mask each time you engage in these behaviors…

⚔️Yelling, screaming, or cursing at your child

🗡️Self-blaming or self-criticizing

🛡️Withdrawing in rejection or fear

🛡️Isolating yourself or shutting down

Through our dysfunctional behavior, we can identify our masks and begin to understand what they are trying to protect.

Starting with our outer reactivity is always an easier place to start. This is why I work with clients to help discover what their protective strategies or stress responses are. Initially, the reactivity is easier to spot than the wound.

The point of discovering what our triggers, protective strategies, and ego masks are is not about blaming yourself or another, but about understanding why your ego has been in place and why it acts the way it does.

There is a reason for the ego and that reason is protection.

What is it here to protect? Our scared inner child. No one took care of our inner child in our childhood. Because the ego was created during our childhood as a means of survival, it employs mechanisms that are primitive, immature, and childish-including yelling, screaming, addiction, self-harm, and sabotage.

We didn't learn adult ways of coping, only childish techniques. Sadly, these techniques never work. Each time we deploy them, we make our situation worse. The fears of the inner child grow greater and greater. The only way out of this quagmire is by going in —by doing the inner work, which is what I'm teaching you.

As you do this work, you will learn to tend to your inner child in empowered and transformative ways.

Dr Shefali has constructed five parental ego categories to help identify your impostor ego.

Have you heard of your body's "three Fs" response during stress - fight, flight, or freeze? (there is a 4th and that is a fawn/appease response.)

Dr Shefali goes on to say that our psyches are infinitely complex and that no one wears just one egoic mask throughout life and how we show up in one relationship may be drastically different from how we show up in another. We can be a bit of all categories at the same time, or we can be one category for part of our life and then switch to another.

Understanding our egoic categories is just for understanding, not to blame or shame-just to create awareness within ourselves of how we react when we are triggered.

As you read through these categories, have a curious and adventurous spirit. You are about to discover new parts of yourself and others who are in your life. Approach this journey with an open and playful mind, as if you are diagnosing yourself: "Ah, I am a Fighter!" or "Yes, I am a Fleer!"

If you start reading up on a category and find that it doesn't resonate with you, I encourage you to keep reading anyway, as you never know how it may spark an understanding of someone close to you or a past relationship.

Remember, every single one of us wears an ego mask—or many. There is nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of.

Discovering and identifying your unique ego masks is a huge step in breaking out of your cycles of reactivity to teach empowerment and connection with your children.

If any of the following masks sound familiar, these may be masks that you wear or that you have observed others wearing while you were growing up. I encourage you to get in touch with the feelings beneath these masks and find a way to explore them through any process or creative expression that feels right to you, such as journaling, meditation, movement, drawing…

These are the 5 categories

(in a very summarised interpretation - greater depth can be found in the book)

The Fighters

When triggered by your child do you find yourself raising your voice, shouting commands, threatening, punishing, enforcing, exploding, arguing, criticizing, manipulating?

If you deploy this mask or know someone who might, it is worthwhile going beneath this mask to the feelings it hides and find a way to explore these deeply.

The Fixers

When triggered by your child do you find yourself in a huge inner panic? Do you feel as though you need to save everyone from a sinking ship? Do you try to fix, enable, save, worry, bright-side, “buy” happiness?

If you deploy this mask or know someone who might, it is worthwhile going beneath this mask to the feelings it hides and find a way to explore these deeply.

The Feigners

When triggered by your child is your first thought, “What will people think” or “How do they perceive me?”

Do you set your life up to look perfect in public? Do you constantly seek validation and feedback from others? Do you find yourself engaging in “if-then” arrangements with your child to always get the best deal for yourself? Do you tend to focus on your feelings and needs more than your child’s? Do you feel constantly overwhelmed and burdened by the responsibilities of being a parent? Do you feel wish your kids would just grow up so they can care for you?

If you deploy this mask or know someone who might, it is worthwhile going beneath this mask to the feelings it hides and find a way to explore these deeply.

The Freezers

When triggered by your child, do you wish you could run away and escape it all? Does the stress and conflict in your relationship with your child make you wish you could disappear? Do you feel a sense of dread dealing about dealing with the feelings? Are you taken over by a need to just be left alone, as if there is too much stress to handle? Do you find the mere presence or idea of your children triggers you?

If you deploy this mask or know someone who might, it is worthwhile going beneath this mask to the feelings it hides and find a way to explore these deeply.

The Fleers

The fleers aren’t around their children enough to be triggered. They are constantly on the move. Commitment, emotions, needs, and responsibility terrify them and they abandon or outsource their parental duties as often as possible.

If you deploy this mask or know someone who might, it is worthwhile going beneath this mask to the feelings it hides and find a way to explore these deeply.

It may be helpful to be curious about what behavior or emotions trigger a protective strategy or ego mask! 

What is your most predominant style of mask?

What is your secondary style?

Can you look for the underlying feelings?

Thank you for being here.

My name is Lelia,

I think my predominant protective mask is The Fixer and my emotional signature is anxiety. My secondary mask may be Freeze.

If you notice what yours is, feel free to share in the comments.

To change emotional patterns & destructive loops

1.  When you feel strong emotions in your body, pause.
2.  Notice the physical signals.
3.  Be forewarned that unless you take care of yourself, these emotions are going to burst forth in some kind of explosion.
4.  Say to yourself, "What am I truly feeling right now? What's going on inside me? Before I jump into action, let me spend some time with myself to uncover my true fears."
5. It may be helpful to find a ritual or practice where you allow yourself to feel secure and connected.